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:iconazizriandaoxrak: More from AzizrianDaoXrak


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Poetry by 91816119

All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

Literature by Tyrison


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Submitted on
October 6, 2012
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i. As a child, confronting giants.

I take the pine tree as my totem,
learn to love the nakedness of its nether-regions
and its northerly fibers stretched and waiting
for the weft to its warp.

Girlhood is still a part of me as the
learning what I am. In the end,
I haven't climbed a tree in a long time;
I am small, and scared, and ringed round with walls,
and I beg the moon to teach me
to use my pine trees as a ladder.

ii. In the way only young love can.

You, sir—
you are pine chips, and I carry you
like a fetish in my mind.

You are the first vampiric sweetness
to suck the breath from my body:
unknowing, the feeling of yearning;
I am fibrous—celery stalk,
pale and clutching my thread self together.

iii. Transmogrification.

Watch as I petrify,
stretch until my bones
will not bend to let me drink.

With age I become a god,
brittle-boned and cackling; with age
the osteoporosis will leech my fibers dry
and my pine sap blood will freeze in my chest
to keep me warm in winter.

My fingers—blue-green and spindly,
and though never-married my insides
are ringed-round with bands.
And I'll settle down with a cuppa,
tinged with the whisky my grandmother loved so much.

iv. The autumn comes to lead me home.

With no god to forgive me my ghosts,
I sink down into November brown,
and let the wood-rot take my roots.
EDIT: MEEP featured as a DLD on 12/6/2012. Thank you so much to ~SurrealCachinnation for suggesting and =SilverInkblot for featuring!

I dunno how I feel about this one. I was feeling the pine trees, but I also wanted to write something for my 100 Poem Project topic "voodoo," which I've written into a lot of poems, but which I haven't had as the main sort of "theme."

Comments appreciated!

I'd love critique on the following:
1) I'm not entirely sure about the imagery in section 3. I love the giraffe image, and I feel like I can really ONLY say what I mean with that image, but it JUST DOESN'T FIT. Thoughts?
2) How's the flow?
3) I don't normally title my sections, but it felt right, somehow, in this piece. Do they work? Do they help build the story, detract from it, or do they seem meaningless?

Critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution::[link]
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! Your piece has been featured as inspiration in #Lit-Visual-Alliance's Seventh Allied Artwork Feature! Please :+fav: the article to bring attention to the feature. Thank you for being a part of the Alliance! :salute:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you m'dear!
Reply
:icondweckie:
dweckie Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Student Writer
This is a really beautiful piece, very enjoyable to read (: :heart:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, thanks :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   General Artist
There are just so many gorgeous lines! :love:
Congratulations on the DLD, darling! :clap:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   General Artist
Of course, azi darling! :glomp:
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:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist

You are the first vampiric sweetness
to suck the breath from my body:
unknowing, the feeling of yearning;
I am fibrous—celery stalk,
pale and clutching my thread self together.


--quite lovely

a nice piece all around :)
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much :)
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: [link]

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
MEEP thank you!
Reply
:iconfalcorn0squirrel:
falcorn0squirrel Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like some of the feelings you express, using object to portray a certain emotion that adds, but I didn't quite understand what was happening (if thats the right word) all of the time.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! What made it unclear?
Reply
:iconabandonedambition:
AbandonedAmbition Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very interesting piece here. I've never seen anything quite like it. You have truly captured pine trees in a wonderfully poetic light. There are plenty of wonderful images and instances of figurative language to be found here. I particularly enjoy the last section, and its title, and how you portray the concept of death into a very poetic manner.

:bulletgreen: I do believe I understand what you're trying to convey with the image (the speaker becoming similar to a tree). While the concept itself is creative and certainly a good one, the actual metaphor is a bit confusing. I don't think "giraffe" is the absolute best word to use; it confused me, and I had to re-read it several times to begin to understand what you were saying. You're right when you say that the image doesn't entirely fit, but I don't think you should scrap the entire section. Perhaps changing it to something more straightforward like "Watch as I become the pine," or if you feel that that is too simple, perhaps something more vague to allow the reader to naturally reach the true meaning, such as: "Watch as I petrify." The problem with giraffe is that it leads the reader away from the idea you are trying to convey.

:bulletgreen: The flow is good in some places, but disjointed in others. Each stanza in section 1 seem to revolve around completely different ideas. The other sections flow better in this respect in my opinion. Also, the flow from section to section is rather clumsy. I see the story and its progression through each section, but section 2 seems unclear in regards to how it fits into the story. It's unfortunate to consider, especially because I really like the vivid and creative images in the section, but perhaps it can be cut out; I simply don't see how it fits in with the progression of the overall story. Also, section 1 has that problem of being disjointed. Perhaps you could take the first half, and give it its own section between 1 and 2 (or, rather, effectively changing 2 to 3 and so on).
Other than the inter-section flow, I really like the flow of one line to the next. It's logical, and rolls very nicely off the tongue. The meter change from line to line isn't abrasive, which is something most have to watch out for in free verse, but you have succeeded in.

:bulletgreen: I think the titles did indeed add some sense of direction to the story. In fact, without the titles, I might not be able to understand the story. Although, I think you could perhaps revise the titles to more accurately reflect what exactly is happening in regards to the story. Titles for sections 1 and 2 don't really lead me to comprehend what's going on with the story. Section 3 comes closer, and section 4 hits the nail on the head quite gracefully.

Another line I enjoyed was: "and though never-married my insides/are ringed-round with bands." I thought that was very clever.

All in all, this is an interesting, original, beautifully written piece that conveys a very relate-able story once understood.
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012   Writer
Hi! ^_^ Just t' let you know that I've featured your critique here at #theWrittenRevolution (under the Featured Critiques) section. Thanks for being awesome! :D
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:iconabandonedambition:
AbandonedAmbition Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh wow thanks!
A feature and I was introduced to some new, quality writing.
Thanks a lot! Not bad for a first formal critique then I guess.
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:iconsolarune:
Solarune Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012   Writer
You're very welcome! :D
This is your first time doing a formal crit, really? It doesn't read like that at all!
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oooh, what a treat! I just love getting long comments ^^

Thank you so much for your kind critique! I see what you mean. I've been meaning to make time to adjust that giraffe image. And I'll take another look at the flow of sections one and two. Thanks again very much!
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Student Writer
O.O I can't pinpoint exactly what it is about this but it's incredible, it really is.

1. I thought the giraffe image came across really well, but I agree that it was sort of out of place. You could change it, but even so I think it's better off the way it is.
2. :thumbsup:
3. The titling added to the loveliness of this whole thing. It allowed me to glean a deeper understanding of the different stages of change that the person being talked about is going through. At the same time it made me think that this was so much more than just about change but I don't know exactly what but whatever it was, I love it.

My favorite part was

"I am small, and scared, and ringed round with walls,
and I beg the moon to teach me
to use my pine trees as a ladder."


Agh, brilliant. :clap: :heart:

I think the only contradiction I have is that November makes me think of blue-green.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: Thank you so much for your kind comments!
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Student Writer
It was my pleasure. :heart:
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:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012   Writer
I love everything about this.

You deserve a better comment, but I'm too blown away by how brilliant this is to find words. :noes:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: Thank you!
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:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Student Writer
i really, really like this
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much :)
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