Sta.sh
Звезда
i. I was still, once;
a rock amidst constellations that
flapped like birds.
Their spinning gravity wells
have strung me—
a glittering necklace of asteroids.
Madness is only a quiet hunger for those
who do not live within the skull
that is being broken apart by too many stars.
ii.
as a fox kit i will wander ice white russian forests in winter hoping to be taken in
longing for bright red curls but silver furred and searching hungry for the mice beneath the snow
ringed round with chicken wire and caught amongst the hens wishing for the
russet hair that would blend me in
if i were catherine the great i would not have to feel the rising fear every december
and as virgin queens go i would be more of an elizabeth than a victoria always
turning tailward to devour enemies of the throne
but the most i may hope for by march is to be caught by the forest witch
and have my bleached boiled bones strung like constellations amongst my fox kin
outside her chicken legged house
gravity and greed are just hunger of different kinds
iii. Some mornings I get dressed.
I brush my hair and feel the bristles against my scalp.
They prickle, but not like the cold or the snow.
They come away with strands of grey
where once there was brown and copper.
There are moments of perfect quiet,
like buckets full of roses.
Red and hungry for the water to rise
and bring life.
iv.
even as a young girl i gathered stones in my pockets
as if knowing the stars would one day come for me and i would need
something to help weigh me down
something to get caught in their teeth when they tried to eat me up
v.
come close child and listen to me
listen to the story of when i went as lovely vasilisa to the witch's house and came back out again with the silver star light of the insides of skulls and listen to how i became the doll given to me by my mother and of how i set my own eyelids on fire trying to convince queen cassiopeia in the sky that i already had my own constellations and how people would not believe that she was trying to come get me
and how i was abandoned by the scarecrow that hid betlegeuse in its heart
and how my antlers came in early and i tore them off to keep the secret
and how this one time i caught my hair in the willow tree and spent three lifetimes as a fortuneteller
and how it is russia i keep coming back to with its name like winter trees fore telling me as a collection of ice and fur beneath a night sky empty of everything but my paranoia and the way orion from his height keeps looking at me with hunger in his eyes
and i have seen hell
and it is white white and leaves nowhere to hide
vi. Even buildings are not safe.
Only the water keeps me grounded.
I am allowed outside if I am good.
One of these white January mornings I will be good enough
and they will find me months later when the thaw comes,
sleeping with the dead river
and all the other fish
who cannot swim.
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I'm so pleased for both of us, haha.
"a glittering necklace of asteroids"
"Madness is only a quiet hunger for those
who do not live with the skull"
"wishing for the russet hair that would blend me in"
"always / turning tailward to devour enemies of the throne"
"the most I may hope for by march is to be caught by the forest witch"
"gravity and greed are just hunger of different kinds"
"and listen to how I became the doll given to me by my mother and of how I set my own eyelids on fire"
"and how my antlers came in early and I tore them off to keep it secret"
"sleeping with the dead river"
But: the best two lines ever:
"and how this one time I caught my hair in the willow tree and spent three lifetimes as a fortuneteller."
"and I have seen hell and it is white white and leaves nowhere to hide"
Holy effffff.
As for your concerns:
1. Plot arc. Can you see the character's trajectory? Can you see a story there? How does it end?
I absolutely love this descent into madness. I mean: I totally and completely got a vision of the film The Hours. Watch it before you revise this. Seriously.
I think it needs a bit more clarification - I like how snarled and tangled it is. I just think it needs a bit of honing. Here's my contradictory advice: a streamline of story arch through the snarl. lol If that makes sense.
2. Consistent perspective and tone. Although this is supposed to be a madness piece, I'm concerned I'm too inconsistent in POV, at the very least.
I think the POV is lovely. Especially when you streamline a bit as you expand and contract the language of the piece. POV is so strong, its issues will take care of themselves as you work through other issues
3. Do you like the way I've used line breaks/capitalization/punctuation (or the complete lack thereof)?
Okay. I am good with the minimal capitalization/punctuation. Just make sure when you actually capitalize/punctuate, it means something. Nothing in a poem is arbitrary. Especially "I" - as in:
iv. even buildings are not safe.
i am allowed outside if I am good.
One of these January mornings I will be good enough
I think capitalizing only the very first "I" of the poem and those last two "I"s will be super strong!
4. How well do you think the imagery progresses? Despite being a madness piece, do you think there is some kind of logical flow to or connection between the images?
YES. I love the tangledness (that's totes a word
I think having the section numerals is really helpful. That helps the reader understand that we're moving to a new idea, but not fully leaving behind the previous ideas.
Honestly: I think you could double the length of this poem. You should play with adding more lines to help boost the images you already have in the poem. Color / sound / other poetic devices - use these to help pump more meaning into your images.
Can't wait to see the edits!!!!!!
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