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Simón Bolívar found you como una Flor de Mayo.

I know that in your swelling city heart
you long por el mar, por la sal del mar,

but instead you straddle the roads,
hunker down over your landscape and breathe
your car fumes, inspiras las fumas como sombras,
espiras tranquilidad inquieta.

Colombia, madre, you have become
bloated in your old age, have grown your
ankles, pálidos e inflamados;

you should have been a sea lion,
morena y rapida y a la cresta como la espuma.

Mi alma, I will bring you the sea salt to run through your hair,
diamonds with which to crown your mane.
If you're interested, I've recorded a version being read aloud :) You can download here: [link]

Edit 2: Featured as a DLD on 12/31/2012. Thanks so much to ~shebledgreenink for featuring! :D Check out the others here: [link]

Edit: Thanks to *Scarlettletters for the wonderful feature! [link]

The title is supposed to have accents in it: Santa Fé de Bogotá [which should be pronounced SAHnta Fey dey BohgohtAH]
Inspiration and soundtrack: [link]
Translated version:

Simón Bolívar found you like an orchid.

I know that in your swelling city heart
you long for the sea, for the salt of the sea,

but instead you straddle the roads,
hunker down over your landscape and breathe
your car fumes, you breathe the smoke like shadows,
breathe unquiet calm.

Colombia, mother, you have become
bloated in your old age, have grown your
ankles, pale and swollen;

you should have been a sea lion,
brown and quick and cresting like the sea foam.

My soul, I will bring you the sea salt to run through your hair,
diamonds with which to crown your sea-mane.


Written for the theme "Bogota" for my 100 Poem Project. Also written for the #theWrittenRevolution monthly prompt using the word
monachopsis
n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your society as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
(For similar words, see here: [link])

As you notice, I took some inspiration from the definition ;) I'm planning on recording myself reading this, because when I write in Spanish, I write for the sound. The other problem with writing in Spanish, is I'm really trying to write for native Spanish speakers, so I'm trying to make use of all the possible meanings of the words I've chosen, if that makes sense.

Perhaps a better way to say it is: translations are never perfect, and I write my Spanish poetry specifically to create spaces where meaning can grow between the original and the English translation. I therefore suggest that those of you who don't understand Spanish look at the original and the translated version together and try to figure out all the meanings the Spanish might have. (You can now download and listen to a reading of it on my sta.sh: [link])

Questions for critique:
Spanish speakers - did I do it right???
Do you think the Spanish contributes to the piece? Are there places where it feels unnecessary?
What do you think of the repetition?
Do you like the sea lion imagery? Does it feel strong enough to you?
How well do you feel I've used the definition of the word?

Thanks for reading!

Critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:
[link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconrandomphilosopher:
I am a Spanish major, and am not qualified to say much yet, as my Spanish is still fledgling, but I did understand a fair bit of it.

I am a novice poet, but perhaps I can critique anyway? The word "inspiras" confuses me... I may be missing a meaning of it, but perhaps it should be "aspiras"? Also, I am not sure about the word "sombres." Other than that, I believe that yes, the Spanish does add a great deal to it. It brings forth the spirit of the country, which makes me happy. I know just the tiniest bit of Colombia, but I believe you have captured it beautifully.

As for the repetition, I believe you have just the right amount. In no way is it overdone, but as it is, it gives the piece a feeling of longing and grows the image of her disquiet, as in por el mar, por la sal del mar and bloated to inflamados.

As for your definition, I love how you've applied it to Colombia! I can easily see how Colombia would be a sea lion ever clumsy in her awkward cities, but longs to release herself in the quiet or vicious beauty of the sea. I wish I could say something more intelligent, but alas!

The only part I am on the fence about is the ending. I know my first few reads I found it weak, but the more I read it, the more I came to understand it and loved it. I only use that to explain why I mark off on impact - though that may be just my little foible.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconfalcorn0squirrel:
falcorn0squirrel Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love that one line "you should have been a sea lion" its thought provoking
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much ^^
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DLD; this is beautiful!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much!
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Professional Writer
great piece, very original! bravo!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! ^^
Reply
:iconxmothermoonx:
xMotherMoonx Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A very beautiful piece!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
MEEP That's so awesome! :blush: Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Student Writer
Your wonderful work has been featured for the #theWrittenRevolution's prompt work for our November prompt! :dummy: Here's your accompanying critique. (The article'll come up just as soon as one of our admins votes it through!)

First of all: I love this piece. I love the word you chose, I love the push-and-pull between Spanish and English (just like the sea), and I like the fact that it can read differently to each reader. I don't know a lot of Spanish at all (barely any, I'm just a beginner), but I hope this critique is useful. Remember, this is only a critique, and all my suggestions are just that - suggestions. It's completely up to you as the writer to decide what to do with them!

Do you think the Spanish contributes to the piece? Are there places where it feels unnecessary?
I do. I love how it's an equal bilingual piece; both languages are used just rightly - I found all the Spanish perfectly right. I agree with *archelyxs, too, the language made this such a beauty to read aloud - there was no awkwardness or forced parts at all, just a easy transition from one language to another.

What do you think of the repetition?
In this part, you long por el mar, por la sal del mar, I thought it was lovely because not only could I understand it, but because of the repetition. I think you've done a fantastic job of that - it makes the piece so musical and imbued with character.

Do you like the sea lion imagery? Does it feel strong enough to you?
I think it's lovely. I do think that you could get rid of the 'sea' in "sea-mane" because it feels a bit - tacked on, like, and a bit redundant after "sea salt" - "diamonds with which to crown your mane" sounds more precise, to me? I'm with ~randomphilosopher on the ending - on the first two readings, I was a bit "hm" but now I sort of love it, but I do think it could use a bit more - "umph", a little more certainty/finality.

How well do you feel I've used the definition of the word?
I think you've done a great job of that, no worries there at all!

Gorgeous piece! :heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

I'm so glad you liked it! And thanks for featuring it ^^

I'll definitely take another look at that ending - more umph shall be found, don't worry ;)
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
This is amazing, and as I am a Spanish mothertongue, I loved the combination even more. :heart:

Just a couple of things: "inspiras las fumas como sombres". If you meant shadows, then it's "sombras". At least for us it would be, but I know different countries have slightly different versions of Spanish.
And "pàlidos e inflamados", that e should be an y. Unless you're also mixing Spanish with Italian. :giggle:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
OH, I'm so glad you liked it. I didn't realize Spanish was your first language. :)

THANK YOU for commenting on "sombres" :facepalm: Spelling errors. Fun! I thought "y" became "e" when before words beginning with a vowel....? Obviously was getting the rule wrong. I'll change it. Thanks so much for the corrections!
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2012
I'm Argentinian. I lived in Italy most of my life, and am now in the States until the 16th of January, so that's a lot of confusing stuff to keep in mind, no wonder you didn't know. ;)

Spelling is a bitch, and such a small thing goes easily unnoticed. :nod:
Hmm, well. Now you're making me doubt myself about that "e"... :paranoid: If you have a book or a teacher, I would trust them over silly old me. ;P
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, cool! I have a friend who's from Buenos Aires. :)

I'll definitely go consult some source about the "e" versus "y," 'cuz I have the distinct impression I remembered the rule wrong...

Again, thanks for mentioning that spelling error, though. I'm glad I managed to get the rest of it right!
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
:D that's nice!

Mhm, good idea.

No worries, and yes, it was very well-written. :heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Wanted to let you know, btw:

I double-checked - y becomes e when before a word beginning with i.vSo it's not all vowels, just ones that sound the same ;)
Reply
:iconthemaideninblack:
TheMaidenInBlack Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013
:giggle: that works. Thank you for letting me know!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)
Reply
:iconscarlettletters:
Scarlettletters Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Professional Writer
You are featured here: [link]
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
GASP. Oh, thank you so much!
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
I love how beautifully the English and Spanish flow together... I'm awful with Spanglish. I can't combine the two languages without it feeling awkward. This sounds just like a person speaking... at my college there is a set of Puerto Rican twins who talk just like this sometimes--they'll be speaking primarily English but once in a while a Spanish phrase slips in, or vice versa. It's so cool to hear.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) I'm glad I was able to transition so well! I'm no good at speaking Spanglish OR Spanish - I have to stick to writing it.
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
It reads really well. :D

And yeah, I'm not very good at actually speaking it... I'm great at writing it. But when I try to speak, I trip over the words half the time and it's really embarrassing. :XD:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm go glad you like it! :)

I just LOVE speaking Spanish. I had one really wonderful Spanish teacher who spent an entire week teaching us the proper way to pronounce Spanish, so that helps A LOT.
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
Me, too! :la:

It's such a beautiful language. I'm not great at pronunciation... I mean, I pronounce everything more or less properly, but I can't get the vowel sounds exactly right. When I speak, it's obvious that it isn't my native language.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And I speak it WAY too slowly and carefully to be a native speaker ;)
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012   Writer
Hehe. :giggle:
Reply
:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Reading this out loud was so much fun!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D YAYYYYYYYYYY I'm glad you enjoyed!
Reply
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