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Submitted on
November 27, 2012
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Simón Bolívar found you como una Flor de Mayo.

I know that in your swelling city heart
you long por el mar, por la sal del mar,

but instead you straddle the roads,
hunker down over your landscape and breathe
your car fumes, inspiras las fumas como sombras,
espiras tranquilidad inquieta.

Colombia, madre, you have become
bloated in your old age, have grown your
ankles, pálidos e inflamados;

you should have been a sea lion,
morena y rapida y a la cresta como la espuma.

Mi alma, I will bring you the sea salt to run through your hair,
diamonds with which to crown your mane.
If you're interested, I've recorded a version being read aloud :) You can download here: [link]

Edit 2: Featured as a DLD on 12/31/2012. Thanks so much to ~shebledgreenink for featuring! :D Check out the others here: [link]

Edit: Thanks to *Scarlettletters for the wonderful feature! [link]

The title is supposed to have accents in it: Santa Fé de Bogotá [which should be pronounced SAHnta Fey dey BohgohtAH]
Inspiration and soundtrack: [link]
Translated version:

Simón Bolívar found you like an orchid.

I know that in your swelling city heart
you long for the sea, for the salt of the sea,

but instead you straddle the roads,
hunker down over your landscape and breathe
your car fumes, you breathe the smoke like shadows,
breathe unquiet calm.

Colombia, mother, you have become
bloated in your old age, have grown your
ankles, pale and swollen;

you should have been a sea lion,
brown and quick and cresting like the sea foam.

My soul, I will bring you the sea salt to run through your hair,
diamonds with which to crown your sea-mane.


Written for the theme "Bogota" for my 100 Poem Project. Also written for the #theWrittenRevolution monthly prompt using the word
monachopsis
n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your society as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home.
(For similar words, see here: [link])

As you notice, I took some inspiration from the definition ;) I'm planning on recording myself reading this, because when I write in Spanish, I write for the sound. The other problem with writing in Spanish, is I'm really trying to write for native Spanish speakers, so I'm trying to make use of all the possible meanings of the words I've chosen, if that makes sense.

Perhaps a better way to say it is: translations are never perfect, and I write my Spanish poetry specifically to create spaces where meaning can grow between the original and the English translation. I therefore suggest that those of you who don't understand Spanish look at the original and the translated version together and try to figure out all the meanings the Spanish might have. (You can now download and listen to a reading of it on my sta.sh: [link])

Questions for critique:
Spanish speakers - did I do it right???
Do you think the Spanish contributes to the piece? Are there places where it feels unnecessary?
What do you think of the repetition?
Do you like the sea lion imagery? Does it feel strong enough to you?
How well do you feel I've used the definition of the word?

Thanks for reading!

Critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution:
[link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconrandomphilosopher:
I am a Spanish major, and am not qualified to say much yet, as my Spanish is still fledgling, but I did understand a fair bit of it.

I am a novice poet, but perhaps I can critique anyway? The word "inspiras" confuses me... I may be missing a meaning of it, but perhaps it should be "aspiras"? Also, I am not sure about the word "sombres." Other than that, I believe that yes, the Spanish does add a great deal to it. It brings forth the spirit of the country, which makes me happy. I know just the tiniest bit of Colombia, but I believe you have captured it beautifully.

As for the repetition, I believe you have just the right amount. In no way is it overdone, but as it is, it gives the piece a feeling of longing and grows the image of her disquiet, as in por el mar, por la sal del mar and bloated to inflamados.

As for your definition, I love how you've applied it to Colombia! I can easily see how Colombia would be a sea lion ever clumsy in her awkward cities, but longs to release herself in the quiet or vicious beauty of the sea. I wish I could say something more intelligent, but alas!

The only part I am on the fence about is the ending. I know my first few reads I found it weak, but the more I read it, the more I came to understand it and loved it. I only use that to explain why I mark off on impact - though that may be just my little foible.
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:iconfalcorn0squirrel:
falcorn0squirrel Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love that one line "you should have been a sea lion" its thought provoking
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much ^^
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Congrats on the DLD; this is beautiful!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much!
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Professional Writer
great piece, very original! bravo!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! ^^
Reply
:iconsottomissione-di-amo:
Sottomissione-di-Amo Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A very beautiful piece!
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
MEEP That's so awesome! :blush: Thank you! :D
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