ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Daily Deviation
Daily Deviation
July 15, 2016
Myself against the grey, storming sea. by AzizrianDaoXrak has impact; it is a powerfully written piece on a necessary topic, blended with excellent technique.
Featured by doughboycafe
Literature
Voyage On the Galac-Sea
Twinkle twinkle galaxy
Sweet vespertine reality
Entangled web of milky lace
Quaint incandescent, gallant grace
Literature
Wings of Hope
intuition bird, sing bright the dawn
as blooming secrets
fall soft on mosaic stones;
our gentle vines creep wild as wind,
a wandering metamorphosis:
winter caterpillar, spring cocoon,
summer wings twinged and falling into flowers
before reinventing destiny
harmony garden, keep parched and persevering;
this world will stop one day
to water the seeds
with why, and was, and maybe someday could be--
for now, nature watches quiet
as sun-dust butterflies
collect drifting souls like wishing stars
Literature
winter flow
seeing this river
wide spanned by a wooden bridge
lit by swaying lamps
lift your heads and smell the salt
we'll be in port by daybreak
on a wooden bridge
the winter river running
to the salty sea
unlit lamps smelling of oil
wait on this day's setting sun
the magpies gather
lamp-wick black and frosty white
on wooden bridge rails
coveting the sun sparkles
on the swift water below
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
For others who have survived sexual assault. It will get better. It will never be gone. You will get stronger. You are stronger than this.
EDIT: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST LOGGED ON TO A DD!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Thank you so much doughboycafe
EDIT: some important changes, not least being the title. I like this a lot better.
A very fast composition, but one I needed to get out. It's been a while. This was a really important piece for me to write. It was a bit of a rebellion against this feeling I had at the time that you're supposed to explain a past rape to people, that you're required to account for yourself, somehow. Of course, I have now written this comment explaining the whole thing, but...that particular moment of pain has passed. I hope someone feeling the same thing will find this, in future.
I wrote this a while ago, but came back to it today and decided I actually like most of it enough to give editing it a real shot. Would love to hear thoughts from people. Critique questions:
1) Title: I have since changed it, but I would love to hear thoughts on how well the new title fits the piece.
2) Subject matter: I go back and forth about whether there should be a "reveal" of rape as the remembered experience. Is it clear (enough) that this is what the speaker is remembering? Would a "reveal" moment help the poem or detract from it?
3) Imagery: I am worried this is a bit heavy on some of the images, would love to hear your thoughts.
Critique for theWrittenRevolution
EDIT: OH MY GOODNESS I JUST LOGGED ON TO A DD!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Thank you so much doughboycafe
EDIT: some important changes, not least being the title. I like this a lot better.
A very fast composition, but one I needed to get out. It's been a while. This was a really important piece for me to write. It was a bit of a rebellion against this feeling I had at the time that you're supposed to explain a past rape to people, that you're required to account for yourself, somehow. Of course, I have now written this comment explaining the whole thing, but...that particular moment of pain has passed. I hope someone feeling the same thing will find this, in future.
I wrote this a while ago, but came back to it today and decided I actually like most of it enough to give editing it a real shot. Would love to hear thoughts from people. Critique questions:
1) Title: I have since changed it, but I would love to hear thoughts on how well the new title fits the piece.
2) Subject matter: I go back and forth about whether there should be a "reveal" of rape as the remembered experience. Is it clear (enough) that this is what the speaker is remembering? Would a "reveal" moment help the poem or detract from it?
3) Imagery: I am worried this is a bit heavy on some of the images, would love to hear your thoughts.
Critique for theWrittenRevolution
Mature
© 2016 - 2024 AzizrianDaoXrak
Comments23
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactThe ellipses you have here just seem out of place. Speaking, that would've been a wonderful place to take a pause, and ellipses would be a nice indication of that; however, writing, it's unnecessary as you've already told to reader to take a pause with your break line.
---
"I never knew this body could re-feel that revulsion,"
This line rubbed me the wrong way for the "re-feel" word (kinda sounded like someone with a thick accent asking for a refill). I personally would reword that. In fact, with your second line "could tremble that way again.", you could probably say something like:
"I never knew this body could feel that revulsion,
could tremble in that way again."
Totally up to you, of course.
---
"Fuck you. I don't have to explain a goddamned thing."
While I initially liked the "Fuck you" part, after several readings I wasn't sure if it really fit anymore. I mean, I understand it's the subject releasing his/her frustration at the people he/she feels want an explanation, but somehow it feels. . Not right. To me, personally. I certainly don't mind the latter sentence in the least; it was just right for me.
---
To answer your questions specifically:
1) I agree that Confessional feels a bit bland. Also has slightly religious undertones, so I don't know if that's the best title for this piece. I think it should allude more to the strength the subject feels toward the end, or perhaps the hopeless abyss they feel trapped by in the beginning. Titles haven't ever been my forte, either, so I can only offer my two cents.
2) As someone who LOVES symbolism and doesn't like to be outright told anything when it comes to poetry (as I've always felt it was up to interpretation by the reader), I like that you didn't come out and reveal anything. Maybe one or two more sentences that describe the (certain) humiliation and shame that comes with rape, which can help others immensely if you really want them to know 100%, but I certainly wouldn't come right out and say it.
3) There are only a couple bits of imagery here and there that are more fluff, as a way to really get across the feelings of the subject ("I am a bird without even feathers to flee,";"rippling horror beneath the silence."), but there's nothing at all wrong with these lines. They add more depth to your poem.
---
End thoughts
I'm glad that art is so amazing that artists can express even their most guarded and personal demons, and in such creative and beautiful ways as this.
But more on your actual piece: it was a very good, emotional poem, which had a lot of heart put into it. You developed the subject's emotions and they grew stronger at the end. Really nice work; beautiful and some may even say inspirational. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/c/c…" width="20" height="20" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="60" title="Clap"/>