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Thunder rolls - a dark,
heaving August dragon crawls
flaming toward sunset.
A HAIKU! Check it out!

Written for #the-haiku-club's Aki Saijiki Contest.

Form: Haiku, duh
Region: North Carolina, USA (that is, southern United States)
Season: summer
Category: Sky and Heavens
Kigo: Thunder (duh, lol)
Description: I swear, it thunders nearly once a day here. Are there thunderstorms in the spring? Yes. Not anywhere CLOSE to as often as during the summer. Those are nice cleansing thunderstorms. These just take all the humidity out of the sky and put it back in the air on ground level.

I'd love some comments on the poem itself. I'm uncertain about punctuation; I don't want TOO MUCH of it, but I feel like the phrasing as it currently is isn't quite right.

Critique for #Wordsmiths-Guild :[link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlgarczewski:
This is a very powerful, evocative picture. Comparing lighting to a dragon is especially true for asian dragons, with their endless coils and winding tails. In my mind's eye this gives the whole piece a very oriental feel.

Now, in the poem's description you mentioned you were not sure about punctuation. I think it's quite alright but I'd like to point out a couple other things.

First and foremost, the length of the poem. You used the 5-7-5 syllables scheme. That's OK, though you should be aware that that is not the most important feature of a haiku, nor is it a defining characteristics according to both Japanese and English contemporary standards. There's an argument to be made that "syllables" is not the correct metric here, as (traditional) haiku have 5-7-5 on ("sounds"), not syllables. An on is not the same as a syllable, and therefore these cannot be used interchangeably. *mcdermid wrote a great article elaborating on this: Counting Syllables.

Now... With the constraint of a set number of syllables out of the way, I would suggest getting rid of all non-essential information. The key to writing good haiku is brevity and minimalism, so:

Thunder rolls –
a heaving dragon crawls
toward sunset

In fact, try this:

Toward sunset
a heaving dragon crawls –
thunder rolls

This inversion accomplishes two things.

First, we preserve the natural, chronological order – we see the "dragon" first, and then hear the thunder, right?

Second, and perhaps more importantly, this (hopefully) creates a moment of surprise, when the reader realizes the dragon is actually a bolt of lightning only after getting to the last line. This sort of word play is also a very typical haiku trait (though not mandatory in all haiku, of course).

I hope you find the above helpful. Do let me know if you have any questions or comments.

Oh, and I realize my revised version is far from perfect. It was just included here to illustrate my point. You are welcome to take it and improve it – it is, after all, your poem.

Once again, thank you for this image! I'm counting on seeing your August dragon in new incarnations soon, in many new poems.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconshadedragon06:
Shadedragon06 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful imagery:heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconshadedragon06:
Shadedragon06 Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome:heart:
Reply
:iconwilliamszm:
williamszm Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011  Student Writer
I usually don't like haikus, but this is excellent. And I think your punctuation is great, the only thing you might add would be a comma between "heaving" and "August."
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
well thank you very much :)

And yes, I keep going back and forth on whether to add a comma. I will of course consider it again.
Reply
:iconoritpetra:
OritPetra Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2011   Writer
This is exactly what the sky looked like last night. I'm actually working on a piece based on it right now.

Wonderful haiku, of course. :heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you

I have to say I love your little Naughty-Harry icon, hahaha.
Reply
:iconoritpetra:
OritPetra Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2011   Writer
LOL. It's starting to creep me out, though. I may have to change it soon. :XD:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hahaha. Valid :)
Reply
:iconpianonewb:
PianoNewb Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Great poem. I really liked it. :)
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) thank you!
Reply
:iconstaticink:
StaticInk Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011   Writer
Love it. Powerful imagery.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you
Reply
:iconzippip:
zippip Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
I just love the feel of this poem. It actually has a weight and heft, and it fits beautifully. A great bit of word-work.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you
Reply
:iconvividrose:
vividrose Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011   Writer
Love it
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) thanks
Reply
:iconsaiun:
saiun Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
Accepted for the Haiku Club 2011 Aki (秋) Saijiki Contest! Make sure to check out the other entries and our contest history as well.

Good luck and consider participating in our other active events. =D

Haiku Club Global Saijiki
:iconthe-haiku-club:
Home of Eastern Poetry
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Hooray! Thank you! I'll be sure to read the other entries :)
Reply
:iconsailormoonalltheway:
Sailormoonalltheway Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
i like this, its amazing :D
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
*blush* thank you :)
Reply
:iconsailormoonalltheway:
Sailormoonalltheway Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011
your welcome : D
Reply
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