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     [Cheshire treasure shepherd, nest, sir, chest. of.
                                                       drawers.
]

I am only as real
as the teeth that spread themselves into a smile,
the eyes that wait to see the air ripple.
I fear people who call things simple.

I kneel at the hearth
and dirty my knees in the sienna-brown earth
and throw fistfuls of ashes
against the mountains—
great stalactites growing down into the cover of clouds.

The theory of relativity
says that I can borrow time
by turning back the hands of clocks.

I would remove
those shining prison teeth one by one.
My body roves
the length and breadth of well-shafts,
roves like the machines built for Mars; but not for me.
I am above and beyond
the dictations of up and down.

At the seaside I may translate sky to ground
and very gentle, tremble, tremble—and drown.
Full title (I seem to like long titles lately ;p): "Alice of Sky and Earth [A Mirror is a Looking-Glass]"

This is filed under "Nature" because I felt like it belonged in a "science and philosophy" kind of category

rhyming and madness seem to go well together in my head, cuz this isn't the first madness poem i've written with rhymes. in this one, however, the Alice character is the only sane one :)

I am AMAZED at the speed with which I cranked this out. Considering it has rhyming in it. For a prompt. Okay, so 2 hours isn't exactly a SHORT period of time, but still.

I'm quite pleased with this ^^. Written both for my 100 Poem Project and for the #Writers-Workshop Reason for Rhyme Workshop.

Rhyming styles used: imperfect rhyme, internal rhyme, and eye rhyme.

I really quite love this BUUUUUUUUUUUT as usual, I have some questions for critique:
1) most importantly, I have that random little "cheshire" line in there that I absolutely love, but I'm worried makes NO sense to anyone else; well I mean, it's not SUPPOSED to mean something, but there is a rhyme (HAH! literally! :rofl:) and reason to it. Thoughts on it? edit: as per a suggestion, I have just shifted this line out of the middle of the poem. As an additional question: do you think its location works, or should I just get rid of it entirely?
2) I'm concerned that some of the imagery is just a tad random (not including the cheshire line), even for an Alice-y, madness-y poem. Thoughts on this topic?
3) Line breaks: what do you think? I've gone a bit more rambly for this...
4) If you have any specific questions or comments, let 'em rip!

Please note: "gentle" instead of "gently" is not a mistake!!! :)

my critique of someone else's poem: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconladyofgaerdon:
Critique by LadyofGaerdon LadyofGaerdon/critique/457001132">Aug 22, 2011, 4:24:28 PM
Two hours is actually really impressive. I love this one. It feels deceptively simple on the surface, but really isn't and that is an excellent quality that quite compliments the theme of the poem. Your opening stanza is wonderful. "I am only as real..." What a hook!

Imagery: I thought it was all appropriate. The Mars rover segue was rather clever, and it jumped out at me, but I actually think that is a good thing. The jarring element is completely fitting. I must admit I was a bit puzzled by the "removing shining prison teeth" part but honestly that's probably just me. More than likely everyone else understood it just fine.

I very much like your rhymes. They're subtle, but quite rhythmic.

Your lines breaks didn't strike me as rambly. At least, not in a bad way. It comes across as "controlled chaos" which you are a master at.

So overall, yet another masterpiece. :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
5 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.
LadyofGaerdon/critique/457001132#comments">4 Replies

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:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This has been featured in my journal!

[link]
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: Thank you so much!
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:iconveniae:
Veniae Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm usually not into poetry, but this is gorgeous. I just love how it flows and what an impact it has. Amazing, really.

"At the seaside I may translate sky to ground
and very gentle, tremble, tremble—and drown."
This is the most beautiful part, as far as I'm concerned. I can keep re-reading it. :heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, I'm so pleased you like it!!! ^^

Thank you for the fave! :heart:
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:iconveniae:
Veniae Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're very welcome (:
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:iconoritpetra:
OritPetra Featured By Owner May 29, 2011   Writer
If 60 years from now my grandkids aren't reading your pieces in their college lit classes, then poetry really is dead. You have mad talent, and no piece is ever, ever a disappointment. This one is particularly excellent.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Professional Writer
I second this. We need a petition.
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:iconoritpetra:
OritPetra Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011   Writer
:D
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:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Professional Writer
:D
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
aww :blush:
that's so sweet of you.
Reply
:iconoritpetra:
OritPetra Featured By Owner May 29, 2011   Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconpunkrocklove:
punkrocklove Featured By Owner May 29, 2011
I must say, excellently written! :wow:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you ^^
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:iconpunkrocklove:
punkrocklove Featured By Owner May 31, 2011
^^ Anytime:D
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Student General Artist
:D I like this. I love how you play with the idea of someone who's hovering on the edge between reality and a dreamlike / madness state. Rather than portray a mood of terror, though, there's one of indecision. It's pressing, but neither side is right or wrong, which makes the character of the poem that much more intriguing.

It's very interesting, all the imagery you use. The Cheshire line at the beginning is weird, but it sets up the recurring image of the teeth (symbolic of the concrete world?) later in the poem, which is definitely important, so I like it how it is.

The fourth stanza is my favorite. It's brilliant, it really hits the crux of the theme. Plus I like the repetition of rove and its near-rhymes "above" and "remove". It's so weird. Machines built for Mars. I love it.

On the other hand, the second stanza is my least favorite. Let me think about it. I mean, I like the idea, the inversion of mountains, of reality...I dunno, it just doesn't seem to flow that well with the rest of the poem. I feel like it has to do with rhythm and punctuation or something. Also, the tactile imagery doesn't seem to fit quite right, with all the other imagery being distinctly un-concrete; it's confusing in that it seems to remove him from his dream/madness state and put him back in the tactile reality.

That's my only qualm, though. Overall, I love this piece. I wish I had time to do a really long crit, but this is going to be it for now I'm afraid.

My body roves
the length and breadth of well-shafts,
roves like the machines built for Mars; but not for me.
I am above and beyond
the dictations of up and down
I keep reading that. So cool.

The couplet at the end is a fine ending too, although I do wonder, did you mean to say "gentle" or "gently"? Either works, given the context of the poem, but I first read it as "gently" and then I wondered if it was a typo.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you for your WONDERFUL critique!
Hmmm. I will think about what I can do with that "mountains" stanza to make it a bit more wistful and less realistic, but I'm sorry to say I like it too much to cut it out entirely, hahaha.

And yes, I meant "gentle" not "gently." I liked the way it sounded better ;p

:tighthug:
Reply
:iconlucy-merriman:
Lucy-Merriman Featured By Owner May 31, 2011  Student General Artist
Ah, alright, cool :D And by all means, don't cut out the second stanza entirely, just keep messing with it. Glad to help :)
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:iconlonealphawolf:
lonealphawolf Featured By Owner May 29, 2011
Congrats! You totally deserve the DLD and the featured member over at tWr!
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:blush: thank you!
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:iconlonealphawolf:
lonealphawolf Featured By Owner May 31, 2011
:hug:
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner May 29, 2011
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.

Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
OH MY GOODNESS! Thank you! :tighthug:
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:iconterraqueous87:
Terraqueous87 Featured By Owner May 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The other title (if that is the other title) is just beautiful.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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:iconbleedingliar17:
BleedingLiar17 Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Student Writer
I really enjoyed this =)
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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:iconbleedingliar17:
BleedingLiar17 Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Student Writer
your welcome =D
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:iconfairisthemind:
Fairisthemind Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Student General Artist
This is AMAZING! How you put this together is incredible and I love your style and technique. Your creativity is fully apreciated... I love creativness! Great Job! :dance:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
^^ aww thank you!
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:iconfairisthemind:
Fairisthemind Featured By Owner May 29, 2011  Student General Artist
Welcome!
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:iconsuicidalwormpoo:
SuicidalWormPoo Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I love this poem, I really do. Why? Because it reminds me of my childhood, the insanity of Alice in Wonderland, and your own expression of insanity through it. I thoroughly believe those who are insane are the most creative, and your writing reflects it perfectly.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
hahahaha thank you!!!
Reply
:iconvlavisfaults:
Vlavisfaults Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Student Writer
i seriously love this - your opening line, the Cheshire quotation, had me hooked! very cleverly placed :) i know you're worried that it makes no sense to anybody else, but i love how much sense it makes to me! whatever your rhyme and reason (;)) for putting it in there, it worked spectacularly :)

your imagery is perfect; i can't think of anything you should take out or mend.

your line breaks are very cleverly done :) in your third stanza, i wonder how the poem would feel if you put "borrow time" on a line by itself and moved the "by" to the next line? just a thought :)

i adore how you've ended the piece. the last line specifically saw a Cheshire-like smile spread across my face ;)

fantastic piece overall, i loved reading it :) :heart:
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the Cheshire line ;p
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:iconheartofpoetry:
HeartofPoetry Featured By Owner May 27, 2011
WOAH this was so awesome. Your writing style is just pure AWESOME!!!
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
awww thank you ^^

love your icon, btw :)
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:iconheartofpoetry:
HeartofPoetry Featured By Owner May 27, 2011
Thanks me too ^-^ LOLz
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:iconqyjx:
QyJx Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Student Writer
I really enjoy reading your poetry. :) Your images are very unique and impactful--the things poetry should be.
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
^^ thank you so much!
Reply
:iconsonnateer:
Sonnateer Featured By Owner May 25, 2011
1) I think the chesire line is certainly very important and well-used as it debases anysort of logic in the natural world and pulls the poem more into the point of view in the speaker. If you want its meaning to be more clear than I think you should certainly consider playing with the image more throughout the poem.
2) The only image that I thought was slightly out of place was the Mars one. The rest worked because for me they all seemed to equate to the speaker's inability to establish a firm, controlled sense of logic. The Mars one just didn't seem to work as well with that aspect of the poem, but all th others were really strong.
3)One thing I would recommend with the line breaks is try and establish more of a flow from one line to the next. For instance you have the lines "dirty my knees in the sienna-brown earth/and throw fistfuls of ashes" which, though the images are supposed to be together, created something of a break. You could rewrite it more like "dirty my kness in the sienna brown earty, throwing/fistfuls of ashes" just little things like that to keep up the fluidity between lines.
This is a really cool piece and I hope you continue writing more fun ones like it :)
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thanks so much for your critique!

Ugh but I LOVE the Mars rover line! lol

I'm glad you liked it :)
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:iconsonnateer:
Sonnateer Featured By Owner May 25, 2011
I'm sorry...It's a cool line. I enjoy it greatly too. Tell it I hope I didn't offend it.
Reply
:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
haha I'll be sure to do so

thanks again
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Student Writer
Oh wow - ending! :heart: Your ending! "translate sky to ground" - (though, is it "gentle" on purpose, or should it be "gently"? either way is fine, the poem is so fascinating I can't actually tell!) - and "tremble, tremble-and drown." Lovely. "I kneel at the hearth and dirty my knees in the sienna-brown earth"! Absolutely beautiful! More coherence later, with critique-ness too, promise. :heart:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 25, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
^^ thank you, m'dear! Your comments are lovely as ever!

And yes, "gentle" is intentional - I liked the way it sounded better.
Reply
:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner May 28, 2011  Student Writer
Cheers! Gentle sounds good to me.

i. I like the "cheshire" where it is!
ii. On imagery, I think all of it is wonderful except for perhaps "those shining prison teeth one by one", as I don't understand the reference to prison, but the rest of your imagery is superb, especially your ending and the Mars-bit (which really works!) and oh, everything I quoted in my first comment.
iii. Love the line breaks.
iv. I don't like the repetition of "roves" - for some reason, it brings to mind more of a loud, noisy truck or a van on a safari than a machine - though I'm not sure if that was the intention? I love "I fear people who call things simple", though, just had to say! And the beginning is just wonderful.

:heart:
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!!!! I will definitely think about those. Hmmm...
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:iconsomiko-raven:
Somiko-Raven Featured By Owner May 24, 2011   General Artist
This is very cool; great job on it :D
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:iconazizriandaoxrak:
AzizrianDaoXrak Featured By Owner May 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! :)
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:iconthewriteexperiment:
TheWriteExperiment Featured By Owner May 24, 2011
this is awesome, i really love it. No wait thats an understatement :3
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